Becoming a Mother and an Artist

Hi, I'm Tiara. I want to keep this part of my website more informal. I want this blog to feel authentic and the best way to do that is to act natural, right? Haha. 

K, this is going to be the long version of me becoming an artist. You don't have to read the whole thing. Alright, lets go back in time to 2009 for a moment. Freshman Year of High School. I had loved art classes all through my school years. I took summer school classes every summer just so I could take an art class. I loved color, I loved getting my hands dirty. I loved how you couldn't really FAIL at art. When I was a kid, I really struggled with Math and Reading. I had every tutor you can imagine, I had a learning disability called Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD) which in other words is ADD for your ears. At least that's what it feels like. Anyway, anyway. I liked art a lot from like preschool all the way til freshman year. In my first year of high school, the only art class available was Drawing 1. It was soo boring. All we learned about was Form and Value. It was also my last class of the day so it was just tiring, and I oftentimes fell asleep. I still liked art but I was in the awkward teenage years where I was comparing myself to every person around me and my friends were so much better at art. I kept finding myself being jealous of their skills and ideas. So I kinda gave up on that and closed my "art book". I didn't sign up for art the next year.

In the summer of 2009, that SAME summer after my Freshman Year, my older brother died. I won't get into the details of that but it was really traumatic and sudden. I already had anxiety but the death of my brother really made my anxiety just skyrocket. I also felt numb a lot. I had a hard time enjoying activities of any kind. I started my Sophmore year of high school 3 weeks after he died. Can you talk about BAD TIMING? I wrote a letter to all my teachers so they would know why, if I had issues during class or had to be excused randomly for crying. After a few months, I got a grade back on a Social Studies project and got a D. I hadn't even tried to fulfill the assignment. I could barely pay attention in class. Like I said, I was feeling really rough and numb those days. After getting that D though, I pretty much decided to straighten myself out. Put a giant band-aid on my issues and "grow up". I was having fears of my future, my family's future, and pretty much anything in the future. So I started actually trying in my classes. I didn't give myself time for fun classes during school anymore. I just wanted to get good grades and get ready for college. 

Fast forward to college at Brigham Young University-Idaho, I still didn't do anything art related. I had studied Spanish in high school as my extracurricular class. Which you really can't count as a fun class. I had dug a deep hole in self-comparison. I didn't think I was as good at art as my friends so why bother doing it. (I know, I know, I was so dramatic as a teenager haha). I thought you had to be born with art talent or music talent or any talent and I did not feel like I had any talents besides maybe babysitting? 😂 So no art classes or fun classes in college. Just tried to be as productive as possible, get good grades, and pick a career that I could support myself with. I chose to study Child Development with a goal to work in Early Intervention (general developmental therapy for infants and toddlers with delays/disabilities).

In college, I got ready to go on a 18 month Spanish speaking mission for my church in California. I went to teach people about Jesus and to serve people. I was 20 at the time, and it was AWESOME. I loved it. There really wasn't time for any kind of hobbies during those years but I didn't really mind because I didn't feel like I had any at the time. 

When I got back from my mission, lots happened really quickly. I started going back to college, I got married to Blake (we had been dating for 4 years long distance off and on, by this point) and then about a year after marriage, I was 23 and was expecting my first baby! I really didn't feel good, I was studying online while my husband was doing an internship. I was working as a nanny a couple days a week, and I was sick from pregnancy. I still didn't have any personal hobbies. It had now been 7ish years since that high school drawing class. I liked watching shows and playing board games with Blake. When he was working late though, I would sometimes find myself watching painting tutorials on Youtube. I would watch them, not do them. There is a difference. So there I was sitting and watching people do art online while I sat on my recliner. Blake noticed a few times and got me some watercolor paints and canvas paper for a birthday gift. I had never used watercolor and I was nervous but excited. I remember seeing my work compared to the youtube videos though and it didn't look great. I tried just a couple times and then gave up. I obviously didn't have a "gift" for it. (LIES-don't listen to anything my pregnant brain was saying, keep reading 😂)

After my baby was born, I was sleeping when she slept and doing homework. I graduated when she was 5 months old. 🥳 She started sleeping really well and it was great. Except it wasn't. I didn't have any hobbies still. After bedtime, I would sit on the couch next to Blake while he did homework or was playing a game. While sitting there, I would look at my phone for HOURS until I was too tired and would go to bed. This happened pretty much every night, we didn't have lots of money during that time so I wasn't going out with friends hardly ever either. 

I would sit and look at my phone, watching those darn youtube tutorials like every night. Blake started noticing I spent so much time on my phone and I was having some Baby Blues (Postpartum depression). 

For summer break from college that year, we went to visit our families in Missouri. Blake told his little preteen sister that she and I should paint together and he would take the baby for the afternoon. I was so excited...but also nervous of course (Anxiety is my bestie haha). We got out her craft paint and found a video on youtube to follow. We painted these weird black silhouettes of trees on an abstract yellow/green background. It was kinda funky but my painting looked like the video had instructed. I was excited. I asked my little sister in law if we could do it again later that week and we decided to paint Bob Ross paintings. And again, my painting turned out pretty decent! I could feel my confidence jumping a teensy bit. I excitedly took my paintings home to Idaho and we hung them up.

A few months later, my husband was noticing me on that couch again. Sitting and looking at my phone for hours and hours after bedtime of our sweet baby. My depression was quite rough. We were struggling with money, I didn't have many friends, and I wasn't taking time to do fun things besides board games once in a while. One night, Blake scheduled a date for us and took me to Walmart, and had me pick several paint tubes of the 50 cent craft paint. Then he drove me over to the thrift store and said something like "I'm sorry we can't buy new canvases for you right now, but I saw some here and maybe you could paint over these and use them for a while". I was so excited. We were in the middle of our "starving student years" so we didn't have much "fun money". This gesture of love meant so so much to me. I started painting along with those youtube tutorials at night. I started healing. Fast forward 7 years and here I am writing a blog on my very own art website. I have too many hobbies to count, I have passions, and I have so much joy. Someone better pinch me.

I am so glad that I got over the idea of needing to have a "natural gift" for art. I truly don't believe in that. I wish I could hug my little 17 year old self and say "Stop comparing yourself to others and make art because you like it!" All talents take hard work, they take practice. If you have interest in a skill, STUDY, PRACTICE. Go for your passions and don't give up whether you want to be a great swimmer, a sourdough baker, or a painter. You CAN do it. We are so lucky to live in a time of technology where knowledge is literally at our fingertips. Take advantage!